Son, never, ever hit a woman. If you must, never hit the woman you live with.
Damn your pride! Take your pride to the pawn shop and see how much they give you for it.
All the slick shit you're doing ain't new. It's just new to you.
If you have to think about it for more than 4 seconds, chances are it's going to be a sloppy lie. Just tell the truth.
The only thing dumber than volunteering, is asking for volunteers.
If a man freely admits to doing something stupid, it means that he's done much worse.
When the wine goes in, the truth comes out.
He who turns and runs away, lives to fight another day. Those who don't, have the most wonderful funerals.
It is not the next man's job to keep your wife faithful.
Tell jokes in class, the class laughs with you, but you'll stay after school alone.
Those who support the military the most, have never been in the military.
If a woman tells you about her sexual partners, add 10. For a guy, subtract 10.
Never ask your woman how many men she's been with. No matter what the number is, it's too many for you.
Someone once said that the best things in life were free. I now realize that I was a fucking idiot for listening to that person.
Don't worry about when the world will end. When you die, it has ended for you.
Religion and logic does not mix! Trust me, I've got the assault charges to prove it!
A wise man once said, no wait, that was me!
Son, never, ever hit a woman. If you must, never hit the woman you live with.
Attention corporate America who sent our jobs overseas, you're not fooling anyone! The other day I got a call from a solicitor. It was a guy with a VERY heavy Eastern Indian accent that asked to speak to the man of the house. Lying, I said that he wasn't in and was there a message. He said, "Tell him Scott called." "Scott from where?", I asked. "Scott from Texas.", he replied. Oh jeez, seriously?! "Scott from Texas" with a VERY heavy Eastern Indian accent. God, I know people think that Americans are dense, but give us some credit!! "Scott from fucking Texas" was the best you could do?! Then he closed with "Have a blessed day"! And if that weren't enough, now, they're having Eastern Indians call, but an American phone number shows up on the caller ID. WE'RE NOT THAT STUPID!!!! We know that the jobs are still overseas, and we know that "Scott from Texas" is really Havishnu from India. You're not fooling anyone! Give it up! You got your fucking tax breaks, the least you could do is pretend that we still have a brain. Telling Patel to say that his name is Chad from Arizona is not going to make us think, "Oh wow, Capital One has moved their customer service back to America.". We know better, and so should you. They're not fooling me, are they fooling you?
Ladies, if a guy sends you a picture of himself posing next to his car, chances are you've pretty much seen ALL that he has to offer you.
Guys, if a girl sends you a picture of herself that she's taken with her camera phone from high above, trust me, you DO NOT want to see the rest of her!
Guys, if a girl sends you a picture of her with her hands on her hips taken from behind, she's "creating" a waistline for herself. You probably don't want to see the front.
If a personal ad says, "Color unimportant", she's looking for an old white sugar daddy.
If a personal ad says, "Discreet fun", she's a hooker.
If your cousin who moved to the city tells your family that she's a model, she's actually a stripper.
If your friend gets released from jail and he has a fresh set of braids, chances are, he's tried "new things" inside.
Ladies, apples come from apple seeds. What makes you think that good men come from bad boys?
Going to church does not make you a Christian. Standing in a garage does not make you a car.
Any guy that says that he's never run from anyone, is either lying or just hasn't had the right guy chase his ass yet.
The last place you was is better than the place you are now. The next place you go, will not be as good as the place you are now.
There's no such thing as a shortcut. If it was a better way to go, it would simply be known as the way, and not a shortcut.
If you have a gut feeling that your wife knows you're cheating on her, she does.
If a person tells you that they want total honesty, they don't. They just don't want you to lie as much as you normally do.
I was talking to a friend of mine, and she said that her brother in law is now strung out on crack after trying it last year. Really?! Who in the hell becomes a crackhead in 2008? This shit has been around since the 80's, and we've all seen what it does to people. How in the hell do you become a crackhead or addicted to heroin in this day and age? What kind of person sees a toothless emaciated person offering sexual favors to buy crack, and says to himself, "That's the life for me. That's a good look."? Un freaking believable! If you became a crackhead in the 80's, although stupid, it was kind of understood. Noone knew the power of that shit. But now? C'mon dawg! To become a crackhead now, after everything we've seen it do to people, who does that?
You know, everyone gives the credit to God and Jesus when they win, but none of the blame when they lose. After all, isn't it all God's will?
Just once, I'd like to hear a racecar driver say, "Yeah, I figured we had this one locked up, but then Jesus fell asleep at the wheel and allowed the #5 car to dip in under me on the last turn and win the race." Why not? You know #5's driver is giving Him credit for the victory.
Just once, I'd like to hear a football player say, "We were basically just trying to run out the clock, but then God caused us to fumble." Why not? You know the other team's giving Him credit for the win.
Just once, I'd like to hear a losing baseball pitcher say, "I was throwing him a low outside curveball, but Jesus had other ideas." Might as well. The batter is thanking Him as we speak.
Just once, I'd like to read this inside of a CD cover: "We thanked God on the last album and it flopped, so this time, we're just going to thank our fans."
Just once, I'd like to hear an actor say at the post Oscar Awards party, "Yeah, we felt that this was a great movie, but Jesus don't like great movies. That's why that Madea shit won." They should, being that Tyler Perry is giving props to Jesus for the win.
It'll never happen, but wouldn't you at least want to see it, just once?
These days there are literally 100's of Dodge Chargers, Magnums, and Chrysler 300's for sell here in Atlanta. You know, the "it" cars from a couple of years ago? Well, the thrill is gone, and there's a new "it" car now. Who in the hell secures a 5 year loan to get a popular car?! Hell, some people even got a 72 month loan! It ain't like buying a hot shirt or the latest fad in sneakers, it's a freaking automobile!! And now, people's cars are being repossessed, or they're selling them at a huge loss because they're "played out" now. "Played out"?! We're not talking about jeans, it's a damn car!
There's a cat in N.Y. who's selling his for that EXACT reason, "It's played out now. Too many people have one." Including you, shmuck! He still owes about 5000.00 more than it's worth. What they fail to realize is, the "hot car" game should only be played by those who can afford to play it. Snoop Dogg was given his Charger, while you, Joe Citizen, had to take out a loan. Not bad if you're getting a mode of transportation, but you did it to be part of the "in" crowd. Now you're stuck with it, while Snoop has moved on. Brilliant move, Einstein. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time, huh?
Not long ago, I was on the discussion board, and someone started a thread about the newest flavor of Hennesy. That thread ended up being about 5 pages long, and most of the people that were responding to it positively were unemployed!!! There were a few threads that were giving advice on resumes', job hunting, and offering free computer programs to upgrade your skills, and those were no longer than 1 page long. It made me wonder: Where the hell are our priorities?! You'd think, that in this economy, people would be trying to get all the help they can find. Instead, they want a review of the latest offering from Hennesy. You're not working, but you're trying to figure out how to get the latest flavor in liquor, or how you're going to get to the club this weekend.
As the farmers used to say about the animals that weren't doing or looking too well, we've "drifted off our feed". Some women will not spend more an than hour filling out an application for a job, but will spent hours driving all over town looking for a babysitter for Saturday night, because Diddy's going to be having a party at Club Wasteoftime. Some guys refuse to find the time to continue their education to get a better job, but they will spend hours trying to come up with the perfect illegal hustle. I know guys that will jump at the chance to go on a road trip with their friends, but hadn't seen their kids in over a month. Radio stations are refusing to play Chris Brown's songs, but R. Kelly's are in heavy rotation. Again, where the hell are our priorities?!
It reminds me of T. I.'s character in the movie "American Gangster". He had a million dollar arm and a tryout with the New York Yankees, but he wanted to be like Uncle Frank instead. And true to form, none of the adults tried to convince him otherwise, because it was more important for him to go into the family's drug trade than it was for him to get to the Major Leagues. It's like that today. We place the most importance on the dumbest shit. I know a 3 year old child that knows the lyrics to the lastest rap song. Mama taught him, and boy is she proud! Ask him to recite the alphabet, and he can't get pass the letter "G". If you ask him what comes after G, he'll say, "Unit!". Way to go to mom, you taught him well. I guess "Doggy Dogg is a freak, freak, freeeaakkkk." has more street cred for a parent than "A, B, C, D, E, F,................."
"They don't write 'em like that anymore.
They just don't write 'em like that anymore." - Greg Kihn
I was listening to Steely Dan the other day, and it got me to thinking about today's songwriting. I've come to this conclusion: songwriters aren't even trying anymore. They're just mailing it in, and the sheeple are swallowing it hook, line, and sinker. Sure you have people like Anthony David, India.Arie, and John Mayer, but they are in the minority. Donald Fagen and Walter Becker (Steely Dan) were song craftsmen. They were 2 literary majors that could squeeze a complete story inside of a 4 minute song, and the great music was a bonus!
Songwriters today lack imagination. Think about it, Earth, Wind, & Fire's "Reasons" was about having a one night stand. Some of you who are reading this didn't even know that, did you? Brilliant, isn't it? Today, singers will literally say, "Hey, let me buy you a drink, and then let's go home and f*ck!", as opposed to "The scent of jasmine fills the air, and flowers are blooming." like A Taste of Honey proclaimed. See what I mean? Imagination. There are some songs that were out back then, that to this day, some still don't know what they were about. Take the O Jay's "Brandy", they were singing about a beloved dog! "Aqua Boogie" wasn't about dancing under water, it was about a black person's ability to juggle many situations. Again, imagination and thought!
Ask yourself this: Do you honestly think that an artist today could come up with an album like "Darkside of the Moon", "What's Going On?", "Houses of the Holy", or "Aja"? I think not. It's too much work for their limited imaginations. Many artists today just simply want to cut to the chase. Stevie Wonder wrote "Songs in the Key of Life". Each song on that album was a soundtrack to different points in a person's life. We'll never hear any shit like that again, but we will hear some shmuck saying that he wants to "make love in this club". Uh, okay. I'll put it to you this way, Limp Bizkit has deemed today's music so bad (oh, the irony!), they feel it necessary to reunite and tour again! Now look at what you've done!
You can call me old or whatever, but while I listen to my Prince, The Doobie Bros., Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson, De La Soul, and Brick cd's, I'll just simply sing along and say to myself, "They just don't write 'em like that anymore."